I'm fat...I'm ugly...No one wants to look at this...I let myself go...

 Just a few of the thoughts that go through my head. I don't actually say them out loud but I think them daily..hourly...every single time I inadvertently pass by a mirror.

Why doesn't she take better care of herself?...Her poor husband...She has gotten so big...She used to have a pretty face...Wow, she didn't use to look like that...

Just a few things that I think go through other people's head when they have to look at me.

I may not say those things out loud, but you have also never heard me say a positive thing about my appearance. I hate that, but I'm a really a very bad liar, so it is almost impossible to say something nice about the way I look. It has been a very long time since I have felt good about myself...actually, I don't think I ever have. Even when I wasn't overweight and old, I never felt good about myself.

This is not okay! I want to be a better example for my beautiful daughter. I don't want her to think it is okay to think of yourself like this. I hope I don't express my feelings about myself in front of her.

I am 36, I've spent about half of my life or at least 15 years overweight. I need to make myself a priority and change the things I literally HATE about myself.

I've tried...I've prayed...I've failed....I've self sabotaged.

While I hope and PRAY that no one ever reads this, I am hoping that writing down everything I do, think and go through will help. So, my plan is to journal every day the good, the bad and the ugly. Tomorrow is Saturday, September 5th. I will go out and be active tomorrow.

I can't bring myself to weight or measure myself so I won't have a starting point. I will take a picture and tuck it away so that I can compare later. Hopefully I will have an incredible transformation and a great story to tell later.